Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I wrote this poem around 3 - 4 years back. It was a time of confusion, hurt and decisions. Decisions that were about me, but were being taken by others. I felt things were out of control. No one there to listen, only God. God was reaching out yet, I was not. Things that I loved were not accepted. Things that I desired were discarded by them that said they loved me.

This is my prayer today. I have fallen many, many times. And I have come to a place where it scares me when I see how I have disobeyed my lord. This is a prayer today that I say on my knees. A cry for His presence.

Rain on me my Lord
Rain on me thy mercies
Here I stand at the edge of life
No where left to go
No path lies behind me
Been down the wrong road too many times
Lord here I stand stranded
Here I stand surrender
Pour Your Mercy on me now
Pour that Love which bled out on Calvary
Father Show me the way
You said you will never leave me
Here I stand longing for a touch
Longing to touch and be known by you
Forgive me lord for my blindness
Forgive for my cruel intentions
Forgive me for a heart that is not strong
Forgive for all the wrong
Here I stand
Lord touch me
Rain your love and pour out your spirit
Pour your love on me now
Pour that mercy that is new every morning
Father to you I stand surrender
I stand surrendered now

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Partner He left Behind

I wrote this 2 years after my father passed away. . . .

It has been two years
Yet the tears run It was two years ago
She stood in the hallway in the hospital
Too late to bid goodbye
Too late for final words of love
He ended his journey that day
He went home
She started her journey
Her struggle
She still longs to go home

She knows he is in a better place
Yet how does one say that?
When together they were
For almost 40 years

Loss is never easy
No one should think otherwise
She would tell
That a loss is never really set free

Tears fall as she stands by the grave
Aligned in fragrant white floors that she laid her self
She stands under the tree that has given her shade for more than a decade
For here lays her closest family

Alone she feels in the world now
Loved ones gone
Left with a daughter she fails to reach out to
She stands by the grave in tears

Her heart weighed down by sadness
Her soul almost given up
She cries for her soul mate
She cries out for a calling back home

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

As the world watches
A small nation crouches in shame
Its history rich and radiant
Its present tainted
Within its black, darkened boundaries lay untold, unspoken horrors
Men with blood on their hands, rule over the innocent
Women and children victims of lost innocents
Evil beyond comprehension
Beyond the understand of even the most educated
Lies upon lies
Betrayal upon betrayals
Gut retching, stomach turning atrocities
Yet we are silent
Silent because of fear and concern for ones self and family
Those brave enough to speak, now lay 6 feet under
Bravery and outspokenness here and now is a death sentence
Voices are always raised in anger
Guns are always ready to shoot
The humble have no place here
Those seeking justice have no place here
Those seeking true peace have no place here

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I saw the happiness when arm in arm you traveled
I witnessed the excitement in your eyes
As there hand in hand
Was what your heart had longed for
I shared that joy with you
I was happy for you
I knew your heart was happy too
Then the days darkened
And the shine on your face was no more
Darkness, confusion, loss and pain
No longer did that joy exist
I saw each tear you cried
As through the valley of pain you traveled
I saw how things tore you apart
I saw how words said and not said
Where like a knife to your heart
But I saw you come through it
And I see how God has led you
I have prayed right through
For you my dearest friend
And God has shown
His goodness and His love to you
In ways that cannot be put to words
For that I praise Him today
That smile is back
That spark is back
That skip in life is back
My heart rejoices because you are happy
I know there will be tears
And I know there will be times of fear
But we can go through it together
Friendship is a lasting bond
Friends are angels without wings
There for one another through all times
You have comforted and encouraged me many a times
And I for you
And for the rest of our lives
We will stand together
A friendship
Sisters forever

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

There is something that happens when a loved one draws near
When they pull you closer and whisper in your ear
When eye meets eye and a cheek meets a cheek
There is warmth all around, even if you’re standing in the afternoon heat!

There is something that happens when two arms draw you close
When they wrap themselves around you
And hold you tight and close
Making all other things just fade away
It’s just your loved one and you

There is something that happens when two hearts meet
When understanding and love transforms two, to one
When lives intertwine in loves amazing embrace
Everyday is brighter
And life becomes a love embrace

A tear hides many secrets
Those of joy and love
Sadness and anger
Confusion and hatred
So many emotions
In one soft tear drop

Tears bring to some love
And to some anger
It brings closeness to some
While others it moves apart

Tears bring reconciliation
New beginnings and acceptance
It draws strangers together
To stand for a cause
Which is of value to another

A tear is of more value
Than with words
One could ever bring forth

Monday, June 15, 2009

Friday, June 12, 2009

I thought that I should take some time out and share a little about my walk with God. My testimony is not one where I have seen visions, or where God has shown Himself to me. It is not one of mind blowing miracles. Yet it is my testimony. It is my way of saying thank you to a Lord who never fails to amaze me. When you read through you would understand why.

I am not sure about my beginnings. I don’t know where I was born or where my blood relations are. I don’t know who by birth parents are either. I was in a home where they put little ones who had no parents / parents didn’t want them any more. This home was a place where weak and sick little children were nursed back to health. From what I know, I was the favorite out of all my other little companions! Around this time when I was one year old, or a little bit before that, I came to live with my parents. Ammi and Thaththi were my world. I was theirs. I had everything I wanted, from food to toys to friends as I grew up in my new home. Yet i was not told the truth about the adoption till my teenage years.

When it did come out, I felt betrayed. Moreover I wondered what made my ‘real’ parents gave me up. I was shown pictures of me at the children’s home where I was playing with a few others, each of whom looked weak and in need of help. I, for some reason was nice and chubby, didn’t look sickly at all! I has a head of thick curls and was wearing a rather short, but adorable little frock. Though these little details are nice to look back at now, at that moment I felt quite the opposite. I wondered whether the story was true and whether this was really me. I confided in a friend of my from school a few days after I heard this and I was laughed at. I didn’t feel any better about it. From that moment on for a long time this was my secret. I used to wonder where my real beginnings were and if I had siblings and so many other thoughts.

As I grew with this secret in my heart, things were not easy at home. My father used to drink and smoke which caused a lot of drift in the family (but in my heart, my father was everything to you will see, as you read on). There were constant arguments, but there was never a raised hand. Family gatherings were a bit uncomfortable, because I knew how the day would end. There were many times that I wanted to run away. I had drawn up all the plans on where I should go, how I should live and how I should start earning to help my self. One memory I have that is very clear in my mind is of my, before I knew the truth about my life, standing with my tri-cycle near the porch in our front garden, ready to run away. I was all set, but as I walked towards the gate, something stopped me and I turned back.

I loved going to school. I had many friends and fit in perfectly. I gave of my best in all I did, though I never did reach the standards which my mother created for me. For many reasons I knew that I could never match up to her requirements. My cousins would excel in their studies and I was not up to that standard, which I was reminded each time I brought my report card home. Yet I did well and got through my school life with a very good academic footing.

But school life was not always great. I will never regret my days in school. For those were the best. But towards the end things were not that rosy. This changed when I came to my A/L. for some reason I felt alone and neglected by my friends. I didn’t have a boy-friend like most of my friends. And I was not into clubbing and such activities as they were. I felt isolated most of the time. But think I know the reason now.

I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior during a worship time at Sunday school. I was in my senior year at Sunday School (around 16/17 years of age. As Ivor (a present church leader) led worship, God opened my heart. I saw for the 1st time what the cross meant. I saw Gods love for me that day. And my life has never been the same. I made a commitment to Jesus and have never looked back. From that day onwards I changed. I saw God’s love in everything. Each morning I knew He was there. Each night I knew he was by my side.

My commitment to God turned me away from things that were harmful. My friends were way ahead of “Life” and understood much more than I did about things, which they probably shouldn’t have known at that age. I did feel lonely many times when my friends would talk about their “other half’s” and the fun that they were having. But also deep inside I knew God had a plan for me, and I had to wait, PATENTLY!

I did get into 2 relationships. 1 lasted only 3 weeks and the other 3 months. Pathetic isn’t it. One thing I know for sure is that I gave it all for the 1st relationship and it broke my heart when I stopped. For those of you who are reading this, I’m sure your thinking ‘for just 3 weeks, it couldn’t have meant anything”. But it did, at that time. The next relationship, ok lets not call these ‘relationships’, was just crazy. I knew it was not at all what God wanted for me. So I stepped out of it. I stepped out it and back in to the arms of Jesus.

In 2004, in the month of September my world fell apart. I lost my best friend. He was sick for just around 3 months. He promised me that he would get better and come home. Few days afterwards he left me, forever. At his funeral our reverend told us of a conversation he had had with him. In this conversation, he had told reverend, “Don’t tell Ruwanthi (that’s me!) about my bad heart, don’t tell her how serious it is”. I am not a person who shows my emotions out to anyone. Yet as he said theses words, the tears that I was crying within me, crept out, for all to see. As we laid him to rest, we buried a part of me as well. That day we buried my best friend, my father. Today as I write this, is his birthday, he would have been 75 years old. I still miss him. And I know I always will.

After my father died, life was tough for me. My father was my comfort and the parent that I would always approach. I am not close with my mother, and this made life so hard. But God revealed Himself in a very special. Though my earthly father was no longer with me, God showed me that He would always with me, even to the ends of earth. God strengthened me, through His word, through praises, through friends and through his sweet still voice.

God gave me another gift during the past few years. He gave me, someone I can share with, someone who loves me unconditionally, someone, who like me longs to serve God, someone who understands me and somone that I can share everything with, even my secret. He is my love, my gift from above and my husband to be in 6 months time!!! My mother said that she would never give her blessing for this relationship. But right throughout, We knew we were in this for life and we love each other. With God on our side and through prayer we asked God to help us and help my mother understand how much he means to me. There have been many nights of tears and fights and many days where I didn’t want to go home. But I got through those days, purley through God’s grace. Then one night, out of no where my mother sat me down and we talked. She gave us her blessing and wanted to be apart of our lives. I was dumb founded. By this time, I had almost given up. I has stopped praying about it. But God came through. I cannot describe what it felt like. I only had the strength to say, “Thank you”.

Though it has taken more than 2 years for my family to accept this relationship, through prayer and faith we have now been officially accepted into the family! God has shown us that His plans are for our own good and that in His time indeed things will unfold.

Today I am who I am because of my Heavenly Father. I have all the riches I need in the form of His love, a life partner, a life where i can serve God with my life partner, and a content life. I know all things will be provided in time and I walk into life each day in faith. I have faltered and I know that I will do so in the future as well, yet I know that Jesus will never let go of my hand. He had brought me this far. He has placed me where I am and is working His plan out in my life. What more could I ask for!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Testify to love
This is a call to you
Go out to the world
Proclaim what He has done
Go out to the world
Not with words
But with deeds
Show the love He has poured
For you through all these years
Hands reach from poverty
From loneliness and pain
Reach out to them
For there is love to share
Be not just praising within your heart and through song
But put it into action
For that is what this nation longs
Step out there in faith
For God is by your side
Step out their for others
And testify of His love

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Memories : A Deep Longing

Last night I went to the hospital, to see one of my friend’s fathers. As I saw how uncle was laying on his bed with my friend stroking his feet, I remembered my father and how I used to visit him at hospital. Suddenly memories of those last days I spent with my father came flooding in. That moment I realized how much I missed him. His memory has never left me. That moment I understood, once again, how much my father means to me.

I remembered how I would sit by his bed side in the hospital talking with him, meddling with the cup and plate that was by his side and looking in amazement at the equipment that was around him. “I will be fine. I will come home soon” were his words to me. He did come home, which brought a smile on his face and my heart. But 3 days later he was back in the hospital and a few hours later he was no more. The most precious thing in this world to me, faded away.
I lost my best friend that day. I lost my closest and dearest companion. Though we had hard times between us and things didn’t always go well he was everything to me.

Today is my birthday. And this is my last maiden birthday. And my father isn’t there to share it with me. Birthdays were always exciting times for me. My father would be always around to make me laugh and keep me happy. When I was younger and my little school friends came along, he would entertain them. My family always looked to him for jokes and humor which he supplied without batting an eyelid.
I have had many questions about the family in which God placed me. But my father always provided me with answers to that question. Next year as I walk down the isle my father will not be with me. This thought always pierces my heart. There will not be a father daughter time anymore.

Many times after his death I wished I was the one who died and not him. Life without my rock has been hard. It is hard to express what is in my heart right now. There is joy, yet there is also sadness. Yet my Heavenly Father has drawn me closer to Him and has been my comfort right through and now. And I know that though I have lost my earthly father, I will never loose Jesus. My fathers memories will always be with me and the place he has in my heart will never be replaced by anyone else. Though my heart longs to have him beside him and walk arm in arm with him that privilege ended more than 3 years ago. Yet that has not dismissed the longing that has been chiseled in the depths of my heart; to walk hand in hand with my father again.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Chants of victory thunder across the nation
Salutations to those who fought for freedom airs on every channel
People dance in the streets
There is joy and rejoicing in a scale that this nation has not witnessed before

In the north a little child looks out of his temporary shelter
Fear embedded deep in his eyes
He does not hear the song of victory
He cannot understand the smiles on faces around him
All he knows is terror

Chants growing, joy overflowing

Sitting on the sand
She thinks
She wonders
Where is my father
Where is my mother
Unknown to her
They lie in a mass grave a few feet away from her
She was too small to know
She didn’t see
A stray bomb had taken her parents away by night
Now she sits in front of a home that is not hers
She now stays with strangers
Yet she has no complete understanding of the world around her
She doesn’t hear the songs of victory

Milk pours out of newly brought clay pots
Signifying a new beginning, celebrations

A brother holds the hand of his little sister
She is all he has in the world right now
Separated from parents as they ran for shelter from the sound of guns
She is all he has
But tears stream down his face as he gazes into her eyes
She is his world
She is family
But still tears flow from his eyes
She is a cripple
A land mine claimed both her legs
In tears he whispers in her ears
“I will always be with you,
I will carry you through life”
Songs of victory are not heard in the ears of lost innocence


Thousands of children lay in camps. They sleep on hard ground, most of the time next to strangers. They have no shade, no water enough to quench their parched throats. These little ones do not hear the victory cries. They do not understand it. They do not hear them in their hearts. For these generations know only war and loss. They live in darkness. Look into their eyes and you will see, hurt, betrayal, loneliness and loss. Sadly, so many of them are far too young to grasp the realities that life has placed before them. As a nation unites, we must not forget that the task is not finished. There are so may out there who need help, so many who need love.

A nations future is in the hands of these little ones.

Let us build a "Smiling Generation".

Let us wipe away their tears.

Is no one listening to the cries of our children?
Is no one listening to their pleas?
A generation that is lost
A generation that is orphaned
Does anyone hear their cry?
Are YOU willing to hear their cry?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I turn my head in shame
For I cannot face He who is holy
I lower my eyes
For I am not worthy to look unto the heavens
Upon a face that shines, glory
I stand before Him in the darkness
My feet unsteady
Falling to my knees
Sin pulls me down
Pulls me towards the depths of this earth
Where untold horrors lie
Afraid of what lies beneath
Yet unworthy to look above
I lay here in fear and terror
A small bright light meets my gaze
Growing brighter it moves towards me
More afraid
More burdened
I shut my eyes
“My sin can never be forgiven, I am not and will never be worthy.
For I have sinned Over and over again. How can one such as I be forgiven”
Thoughts tormented
The light now just before me
Hands reach out
Touching the deepest, darkest part of my soul
Burdens fade
Guilt, gone
Changed in an instant
To my feet I rise
Looking into the face of my deliver
To His bosom He takes me
As I feel His heartbeat one with mine
All strongholds are destroyed
All sin is erased
In the arms of my Maker I have found complete release
"Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." Hebrews 10:17

Monday, June 1, 2009

“I am with you always, even unto the end of the world” Matthew 20 : 28

Have you realized that you are never alone
No matter what road you take in life
There is always someone who is beside you
Even in the darkest
Even where there is ‘pin drop silence’
And you think you are alone
There is someone beside you
Look in faith and there He is
His soft footsteps following you
Sometimes, He leads
Sometimes, He is by your side hand in hand
But He is always there
He always, always cares
His not just a friend
He is a father and a friend
He is the King and the Creator
He is the Lord of Lords
He is love in the greatest form